Plug Your Ears (lots of yelling in this post)

I've got a pit in my stomach as big as my fist
and it isn't the cramps or a stomach bug,

it's summer.

Summer is setting in on me and I think I'm going to hurl.

(Not that you would know because I've cut and pasted my smile for long enough to hide my anguish)

I like the idea but I hate the practice
and it's easy enough to act excited
but actually BEING excited is a different thing.

Because the junior year I've worshipped like religion is ending,
but it feels more like I'm ending.

It's the last summer.

I wonder if I even exist past homework anymore.

School used to be a hiding place but it turned into a home and
I don't know if I remember who I am.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't want to know.

(the noisy hallway is a good way to cloud your head and
to avoid those nasty hard questions like "What do you want to do with YOUR WHOLE LIFE?')

I used to be so sure about what I wanted and

I remember when my backyard was enough
but my world is expanding and

I.
Can't.
Breathe.

Summer is empty promise and

I'm afraid alone will be here within the first week of summer
and that he'll set up camp and stay,
and he'll bring the questions. 

What do I want to do with my life?
I want to serve,
I want to love,
I want to feel,
I want to travel,
I want to breathe,
I want to cook,
I want to eat,
I want to have a family,
I want to make friends,
I want to make others happy...

I want to be happy.

"But happy isn't a career and neither is love"

BUT LIFE ISN'T A CAREER

And I'd usually tell you I very strongly dislike school but today it feels like a refuge.

When I grow up I want to be
happy.


(But apparently that's not an acceptable thing to write on your college application.)