84097600 heartbeats

I watched as the plane took off into the blue painted sky & the same artist painted me purple & pink, the colors of both an old bruise & a skinned knee.

I cried as I drove home because I miss you & because I finally have something to miss. 

"I miss you most." You said, goofy smile plastered to the seat of a 10 hour flight.

"See you in 2 weeks" I said, throat tightening before all Hell broke loose in a 4-door mini-van, only I-15 witnessing my angst. 

2 weeks. 

2 weeks isn't long. 

But 2 years? 

2 years is long. 

That's 730 days when I'm here and you're there. 

And it hurts. 

I hurt.

What's worse is the clock was always running and there wasn't enough time (there's never enough time) but I let myself fall anyways.

And now I'll spend my next 84,097,600 heartbeats thinking of jokes to make you laugh and stories to make your eyes roll. 

Come back to me my Italian boy, who bakes ravioli & wears aprons.

Stay with me my Parisian boy, who holds stars in his eyes & eats macaroons.

Je vous aime mon garçon français, s'il vous plaît pensez à moi, je pense à vous.

Behind my Heart

I only fell in love twice today, 

Once when you were touching me

& once when you weren't. 

I think I stopped writing about it because there are so many people who can say it with more sand in their voice & thunder in their words. 

But your smell is still stuck to me 

like the post-it note on my mirror

& every clichè you've ever heard is painted onto my heart like goosebumps. 

I wish I knew you in an indie film, so I could sit and memorize your mind while the stars broke our backs,

But instead,

You're leaving.

You're leaving and as much as I'd like to tell you (with your cotton t-shirt smell & shy smile & Seattle eyes) to march straight to Hell,

I fell in love with you twice today.

Once when you were touching me & once when you weren't. 

I said, "What about Breakfast at Tiffany's"?

Being with you is like the beginning of a roller coaster. 

I don't know how it's going to go,

But I know it's going somewhere,

And that's enough.

I've spent forever standing in the same place & watching other people ride but now I'm buckling in. 

3...

I lean against you & watch you smile. 

I don't think that's something I can get tired of because I love the way your face crinkles. You laugh and your shoulder rubs against mine, your chest rising & falling in a rhythm that feels familiar. This. This is enough right now. 

I'm sure there will be ups & downs & twist & turns, I can already feel them in the tips of my fingers. 

But all I can see clearly is my hair flying behind me & the thrum of the air against my face before it races into my lungs & throws my brain into a spin & my heart into a panic & the thrill of being alive strikes my soul like a matchstick. 

2...

And I like you because when you catch me staring at you in the middle of class, you lock eyes with me & wiggle your eyebrows because you know it'll make me laugh. 

My feet are dangling & my heart is racing & I watch the ground ready to leave it. 

1...

 

I trace the scars on your hands lightly like I'm trying to find a city on a road map, which isn't hard because lately all I can think about is holding them. 

But whether you hold me or not,

We're about to go somewhere, 

& that's always better than standing still.

http://gif.co/uNB3.gif

Nonsense is my 2nd Language

Talking to you is the easiest thing in the world. 

I wish you'd stop being afraid of being in a relationship because I never asked you to be in one. I've only ever wanted a shot at right now.

I also wish you'd tell me how you feel. I've spent too much time making sure I wouldn't break during a fall to have you handle me like your grandmothers fine china. 

Did you know I used to look at the moon the way I look at you? I can't describe it the way I want to right now because of the inversion. 

I have a hard time constructing a thought about you because I'm all over the place anyways.

I'll have you know you're the best book I've read so far. 

I like you very much.

U.G.L.Y

"If you don't think you're beautiful, get a new mirror" they said.

So I did. 

I got a new mirror for $5 at target and it was pink and had a floral print on it. 

"If you don't think you're beautiful look a little harder" they said.

So I did.

I stared until my corneas burned and I cried because the longer I looked the more imperfections I found. 

I would line my mirror with sticky notes. 

"You're beautiful!"

"Smile! God loves you!"

"Have a good day QT"

But I was still ugly. 

If you don't feel beautiful,

Get as far away from a mirror as you can.

Run until you have to catch your breath and feel the way your body works and the way your muscles pull at each other to make you move. 

Watch the way your feet glide over the asphalt and the listen to the soft smack they make against the cement.

Eat what makes you feel good, and sometimes just eat things because they look pretty. 

Get lost in a good book or in the mountains or just your own thoughts.

Compliment other people.

Read your scriptures whenever you get a chance.

Be excited about little things. 

Pray when you feel weak.

Laugh at things you think are funny even if nobody else does. 

Don't always put on a brave face. 

Feel your emotions freely and NEVER apologize for feeling them. 

Listen to music you actually like. 

Do things that make you uncomfortable so that you can grow. 

Serve other people. 

Sing songs even if you hate your voice. 

Use your hands to do important things. 

Don't let anybody else boss you around.

Most importantly,

Don't let other people's opinions bother you. 

Everyone has one and they're all different and they're not all going to suit you.

Do what floats your own boat. 

The more you get to know yourself, the more you'll realize the only thing that's beautiful about a mirror is the person you see in it. 

And whether that person is beautiful and strong and courageous 

Or 

Cowardly and ugly and insignificant 

Is really up to you. 

And unless you're living in a fun house, 

A new mirror will only make it clear that you're unhappy. 

Stop living someone else's life and 

Do. Your. Thing. 

The things that make you beautiful aren't your on-fleek nails or too-fly jeans, but the way you make other people feel about themselves, 

And the way you feel about yourself.